We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
