i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
