Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dignity is for republicans.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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