i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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