i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
