remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
