i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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