My hand turned me down
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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