Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
