i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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