when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
