I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
