If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
