I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
