It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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