Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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