I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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