see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
