Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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