Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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