I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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