Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
