I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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