Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
