I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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