I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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