Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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