just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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