i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
