i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
