I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
