i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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