I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
