so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
