Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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