Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
