as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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