And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
