Jerry, you need to find god
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
