I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
