After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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