It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
