So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm really busy with my period
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