true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
