Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
