I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
