I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
