i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
