i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
