What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
